I slept 4 o’clock in the morning, and didn’t mind the fact that we will have our first meeting for our Afro-Asian theatrical play at 8am in our college’s lobby, not even afraid with the piso–per-minute policy, which served as penalty to those who will come late. I did not intentionally sleep at that exact time, it’s just I couldn’t sleep; I was bothered, and worried, I mean there were lots of stuff running inside my mind these past few days and I didn’t know why it had to come back frequently. I was distracted, unable to focus─ maybe overthinking.
I woke up, 5 in the morning. Apparently, I just had an hour of sleep, and it was not enough; it feels like I’m carrying the world, so heavy. I took a bath and wore my clothes, watched myself in the mirror and smiled. While on my way to school, I bought a candy, and I unexpectedly read a message from its wrapper telling, “Kaya mo yan!”
So I was encouraged to start the day right.
But in the afternoon everything dramatically changed, life’s truly unfair. No matter how I push myself to think positively, there will still sudden misfortunes that will arise. I didn’t talk to anyone. Perhaps, my school was one of the factors why I became like this. There were lots of requirements to comply and fees to pay. We also have loads of tasks to do.
I have been asking myself why, why I existed? Am I just here to receive all the dilemmas of the world? Of other people? Of my own family? I need answers, answers that would satisfy me.
There were times that I think it’s better to jump off a 15-storey building to stay away from these
shits, to feel comfort, to ease the pain and to feel contentment. Physically and emotionally, and mentally, I’m exhausted. This isn’t normal.
These thoughts were making me weak,
These thoughts were trying to eat me alive.
It’s over, I guess.
Date Written: May 1, 2017