I long for it

Some of us wished to stay being little kids who do not have any idea about how hard life is, who get along with others and play the whole day without knowing how dirty his face would look like, who cry for a second when scolded by his parents or being betrayed by his friends, who pick dozens of toys in the mall yet it all ended up choosing only one and who do not care about what other people say. How lovely it would be to stay that way, you wouldn’t worry about what happened the other day, what will happen today and the next days, you also would not think of solutions to your own problems and it is for sure that you will always be helped and accompanied by your parents whenever you are hurt emotionally, physically and mentally. Maybe I am one of those who wished the same thing, but as what I always hear, all of us need to move forward.

My life used to be full of sparkles that gave me happiness at times when I feel sad in whatsoever circumstance I am in, it used to be full of hope and love from the people whom I thought would stay with me for my entire life, and it used to be full of beauty in which there’s no room for ruthless contemplations. Now, it is full of tricks which led me to confusions and misery. Since I was an innocent 5-year old kid up until now, I always feel surprise at how life suddenly changed. Perhaps, these were all the results of my parents’ separation paired with the wrong decisions I have decided to do and the choices I decided to choose.

As I grow up, I have learned many lessons and values from my experiences that I thought would help me again to taste how beautiful it is to be alive. There were moments when I feel a bit happy yet at the end of the day, sadness would dominate, there were days when I feel hurt but I could not figure out what are the reasons why I feel that way and also, there were times when I didn’t want to talk or deal with people. They don’t understand me and I don’t understand myself either, I find this miserable. I am longing for help but I don’t want to be helped.  I often feel empty and wounded, like someone’s stabbing my back with a dagger. I sometimes see people as dummies and I want to throw pebbles on their faces. This is really complicated─ extremely complicated.

How I wish I could bring back those memories where the only thing I could feel is happiness, endless and genuine happiness. My dreams could not help me to remain awake anymore, they are slowly fading. I want to change myself but I don’t know what to do. If I’d feel this for the rest of my life, I think it’s better to be killed.

I am searching for peace, and I long for it.

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