I know, I’m weak

I want to die. Perhaps you have always heard these words from me before or read this awful statement on my previous blog posts. No, I’m not telling this to seek a little bit of your attention and care or to receive words of encouragements that you think might help my soul to at least feel alive. I am not doing this to make you wonder how stupid my life is. I am not saying these words to make you realize, that I am so unhappy and down, that I need you to make me feel loved. However, you need not to give such effort in trying to change the way I think or to make me feel I am important, that I still need to continue and live life amidst all struggles. Please, don’t.

When I wake-up in the morning and sleep at night, I always feel the same. I don’t want to get up in bed every morning because I feel so heavy like I’m carrying the whole world full of shits; and at night, I always feel scared, alone, sad and empty. No matter how hard I try to rescue myself, I still feel the same. I’m tired of people. I’M TIRED OF EVERYTHING.

I thought the reason of all these were my parent’s separation, their new families, the moments I saw Mom wasted, drinking beer and crying all her sadness in front of me, my sister’s unwise decisions in life, my nephew’s condition, my dad’s slip ups, the people I used to call “friends”, the wrong choices I have made, the hatred I have inside, or the doubts and hesitations I have in myself— but I was wrong. This is different. It’s worse than any other reasons.

I always wanted to die, wishing for a car to hit me or maybe to jump in 10-storey building; until I savor and feel how fast the wind would take me to a peaceful place they call paradise. I want to die because that is what I always feel.

I know, I’m weak.

Unordinary Déjà vu

When our 1-week vacation started, I had nothing else to do in our house but eat, surf the internet, clean all the areas of the living room, wash the dishes, cook meals for myself because I am always alone from morning to night and of course, sleep. I used to love sleeping. At first, I thought it would give me an 8-hour medication to relieve from anxiety, to at least forget the things that bothered me, to escape reality and to have time to feel at ease─ but I was wrong.

Sleeping began to steal my whole self. Sleeping gave me time to remember the things I didn’t want to remember. Sleeping brought me back to places I hate most. Sleeping created new dimensions inside me where all my weaknesses, disappointments, and bad memories took place. Sleeping allowed me to dream nightmares and events which I thought were true. These all happened when I started to dream the same dreams every time I sleep. I could remember scenes in my dreams, the same order, the same people and the same story. Everything looked so real. In fact, one of my dreams already happened, it was during my nephew’s 5th birthday celebration. It wasn’t just an ordinary déjà vu. And this is not normal. I’m not normal. I’m scared.

Thursday─ August 3, 2017

Au Revoir

I wandered in the shore,

waiting for the sun to set,

Avocets chirping, cold breeze blowing

giving courage, tranquility— life.

 

The ocean looked calm,

as calm as the clouds in the sky,

waves’ sweet melody, so harmonious, so smooth.

I can hear it, and sense it.

 

As I continued walking,

miles from where I came from,

footsteps in the sand, gently fading,

sun’s vanishing, no pause, no break.

 

Darkness gradually surrounded the place,

until I could no longer see light,

the light that used to gleam at times I needed.

I suddenly heard this sweet melody.

 

But that melody eventually faded.

Days had passed; I was still stuck in here,

constantly hoping for the bright light to appear,

Perhaps, it will never show up once more.

 

Things will never be the same again

I moved slowly to reach the seawater,

and decided to drown myself,

this time, I heard nothing else but silence.

 

Silence that I was longing for years.

I’m tired

I’m tired.

I’m tired of recalling those nights when I heard shouts from my parents’ room at 3am.

I’m tired of knowing that Mom and Dad’s priority was not us. I’m tired of seeing them with their new families.

I’m tired of looking at my nephew’s sad eyes, longing for attention and for real happiness and for real love from his parents. If only I could not leave him, play with him all day and go with him wherever he wants, I will.

I’m tired of waiting for my family to come back in the church, it feels like waiting for a fish to drown in the sea.

I’m tired of doing my best for others and they didn’t even recognize it.

I’m tired of committing mistakes, and of becoming a mistake.

I’m tired of staying awake until 4am, staring at the ceiling, felt so empty; and of waking up early morning, carrying bags of rocks─ so heavy.

How I wish I could just close my eyes in a fine night, rest in harmony ’til all my struggles fade away, with me.

I’m tired of sharing my thoughts to anybody and of hearing voices.

I’m tired of watching people who got tired of me, tired of helping me to take away all the tragedies chained and locked in my body.

I’m tired of being treated like a rubbish. Once they get what they want, they will eventually leave.

I’m tired of being helpless and judged easily by other people.

I’m tired of seeing complete and happy families, eating dinner together, traveling together.

I’m tired of feeling sad and of being a burden.

I’m tired of pushing myself to smile, pretending like nothing’s going to wreck my inner self, even if the monster inside me tries to eat all my happy thoughts.

I’m tired of having friends, I no longer want to bother them.

I’m tired of being tired physically, emotionally and mentally.

I’m tired of breathing and of being alive.

I’m tired of shedding all my tears at times when I’m alone.

I’m tired of seeking help, I’m tired of being me─ of everything.

Maybe this is the right time, because,

I’m tired.

 

The Struggles of a Broken Home

At a very young age, I have realized growing up with a broken home was quite a shitty experience─ I mean, who would have even want to be in this situation? The kind of family that I have is not the kind of family other people would dream about and the condition I have right now was not easy and will never be easy, and this changed the whole me, which was actually the worst thing ever happened.

Living inside a house back when my parents were together was rough and time had passed, I felt that nothing’s normal in the place I used to call home. The two happy memories I had with them, was first, on 2001 when Dad got his first salary on his new job, so we, as a family, went to a mall in Tagum City and they bought brand new clothes and toys for me; and second, was on 2003 when they surprised me on my 6th birthday, cooked all my favorite foods and invited several friends to join the celebration. Honestly, the house looked so special that moment. The rest of the memories I had with them, together, was a tragedy. They always fight every night or even past 4am, they usually fight because of money and of Dad’s other woman.

27th of August 2007, they separated and broke what they have promised to each when they had their wedding day. After that, everything began to change; including the arrangement of the stuffs inside the house and the way we live.  At first I thought, the term “broken family” was just nothing, I was ignorant for I haven’t heard that term in our school or even in our church. I had no clue, not until I have seen Dad cry for the first time and Mom, who was tremendously depressed and devastated, which made me realized that “broken family” was not something to be excited about.

Note: The reason why I decided to publish this blog was to share the 3 struggles you might come across if ever your Mom and Dad separate.

GOING TO CHURCH ALONE. We grew and built memories in the church because my grandparents were one of our branch’s pioneers. When the misfortune in our house happened, I started to go to church unaccompanied. It was tough because my sister and parents became inactive. Together with the other members, we tried to reach them out but we failed. Until now, I never stopped trying; I kept going to church every Sunday, attend activities, thinking that these would make them grasp that coming back in the church would make them feel better. Our church has established the belief that “Families Can Be Together Forever” and yes, I still believe this will ensue.

WHERE TO SPEND CHRISTMAS. Christmas was one of the most special days of the year; you receive gifts, apologizes, express appreciations to someone and feel happy together with your loved ones.  We used to celebrate Christmas together even if Dad always arrived late. After their separation, I was so upset as to where am I going to spend Christmas and to divide my time.  I usually go to Mom’s new house at 11pm- 12am and 12am on wards, I go to dad. It was so unusual, it’s miserable because I could not feel the same happiness I used to feel when celebrating this occasion.

CHOOSING WHO WILL GO WITH YOU DURING GRADUATIONS AND RECOGNITIONS. Sometimes, people say that when you’re a product of a broken home, you could no longer achieve your plans and follow the wrong path instead. During my grade school to secondary years, I didn’t lose hope to finish my studies and pursue my dreams. But what made those moments hard was when I need to choose who between mom and dad I would go with to accept the recognition or receive any awards. I didn’t want to choose. If only, I could walk and receive a diploma or award alone, I will.

These are some of the bad things you might encounter when you have broken home. You will feel how difficult and depressing it is to choose and to live. Yes─ I could no longer hear screams and yelling at 4am, I am free to go wherever I want without their permission, I am allowed to do the things I’d like to pursue but still, I am longing for their scolds, for their texts and calls asking me to go home because it’s late, and for their support as I chase my dreams.

If ever you’re reading this blog post, love your family. Right now, maybe you feel bad because your parents won’t allow you to hang out with your friends, maybe you’re angry on their way of discipline, maybe you felt unfair the way your parents treat you and maybe you think they love your younger and elder siblings more than you, but still love them, keep them. If you think their fights were just normal, no, you need to stop them. Remember, these tragedy started with little quarrels until their relationship became wrecked. For those who also have the same situation like me, let’s fulfill our dreams together and defy people’s wrong expectations.

In my case, what’s done is done. Nothing will change and I felt hopeless. Perhaps, things would have been worse if they remained together. All I need to do is to face everything, make myself believe like nothing’s wrong, cry to feel relieved and to stay resilient. If ever I could no longer handle situations, I’d be much glad for I already raised awareness on how hard things will be if your family’s broken.

It’s sad because

the thought of my parent’s separation

still fogs my thoughts everyday.

Questions I Hate Most

I wrote this blog post while I was inside a non-air bus, heading to our province and yes─ I literally struggled writing this one. It’s just there’s something in the deepest part of myself that pushed me to write what’s on my mind before I forget those. The topic that suddenly popped up in my mind was about questions I hate most because we often feel annoyed when someone asks questions even if the answers were already obvious and  embarrassed when insensitive people ask questions that might possibly expose all your secrets.

These type of questions could change your entire mood for the whole day or even worse, whole life; of course each question has its own reasons.

1. Why do you wear the same shirt/pants almost every week? For your information, I only have 2 pants from ukay-ukay and perhaps 10 shirts for school and for me, these were enough. I don’t buy branded clothes and I usually go thrift shopping.

Whether the things I wore were pleasing in your eyes or these bothered you, always remember, you need not to care, mind your own or buy me one.

2. Why you don’t play basketball? Are all men required to play this sport? I mean, we have different hobbies. I observed that almost all men and women liked this sport; some knew how to play and others prefer just to watch. I don’t play basketball simply because I don’t feel it and if I play this sport, for sure I’ll be the smallest among all the players which is actually more embarrassing.

They said, men who don’t play basketball are gays. I’d like them to know “I don’t need this sport to prove to everybody I’m a real man” Better question: What sport are you in to?

3. May I ask a question? You just did. I appreciate you for asking first permission about an important question you will ask but please ask me straight to your point.

4. Why do you always spend your time on twitter? First and foremost, I don’t always spend my time on twitter. Twitter is where I can freely express myself and this is an enough reason for you to stop asking this question.

5. Are you sad? Are you okay? I used to love these questions because through this, I could say you really cared. But time had passed; I started to get annoyed when these questions were asked frequently especially from the people whom I less like, it’s too much. If you think I’m not okay, do a move to make me feel okay, share whatever you wanted to share because whether I’m okay or not I will still listen anyway, throw a joke, make me laugh or if you can’t do any of these, you can just keep your mouth zipped, that would make me feel better.

6. Why do you study in a state University in Davao when you can find the course you wanted to pursue in your province? 

This question was seldom asked by some of my dad’s family members. I have four answers to this question; the first reason why I decided to study in Davao was to stay away from people who made my life worse. Second, was to train myself to become more independent, learn new lessons and to improve myself. Third, I grabbed CHED scholarship’s offer. Fourth, to fulfill my greatest dream which was to graduate in one of the best and well-known Universities in Davao because I believe that a school’s name would help me get a job easier.

It sucks me up hearing people ask questions like this when in fact, they were not the ones who paid all my fees in school.

7. You’re already 20 years old, why you don’t have girlfriend? My parents haven’t stepped college, and my sister decided not to continue pursuing her course because she was pregnant when she’s 22 years old. This means that the pressure was on me, I need and I have to finish all my studies to find a decent job, and to help my family get out from poverty. However, I wanted to become a returned missionary with honor in our Church as well for I believe it is one of our duties and responsibilities as a member.

The reason why I hate this question was that we, people, have different priorities and we already know that. Whenever I hear this, it’s either a person was trying to question my gender or making me feel that having a girlfriend is a top priority.

Questions we ask and will ask always matter. All we need to do is to think first before letting it out in our mouth. Change our words and make sure, we will help the person, and not to worsen his situation. We are not perfect; we often ask annoying questions intentionally and unintentionally but now, you already know my side, there’s no reason for you to ask again the mentioned questions above.

Date written: May 26, 2017, Friday Night

 

New Sentro Beach Club Lubu-an Baybay

Summer had been widely celebrated by families, friends, and couples throughout the Philippines. In Davao, the best way to spend this was to have beach outings and island hopping; others would probably go to other places outside the city but for those who were searching for cheapest yet beautiful resorts where both kids and adults would enjoy, New Sentro Beach Club Lubu-an Baybay, Pindasan, Mabini Comval Province, is a perfect spot.

Together with the Elders Quorum of our church, we went to the said place to refresh and to have an activity. It took 45 minutes from Panabo, Davao del Norte to reach the place but the entire ride was absolutely not boring for you will view the beauty of Tagum City which was also known as the Palm City of Davao North.

BEACH

The resort was filled with fine-white sand where one can build sand castles. There were approximately 20 cottages that cost 500 pesos each but you could just use a table if ever you didn’t want to rent. The kids could also have fun with their two giant slides.

SWIMMING POOL

The resort also offered swimming pool which cost 70 pesos for both children and adults. You could fully enjoy their 5-10ft pool, and they made sure it’s safe. However they provided free life jackets for children and 30 pesos for lifebuoy. It is an ideal place for refreshment because of their cold water. Unfortunately, I haven’t took pictures of the pool.

ACTIVITIES YOU MIGHT ENJOY

They also have Billiard; an hour would cost 70 pesos only and a Videoke, where you could pick 2 songs for only 5 pesos.

Entrance Fee: 20 pesos only

Cottage: 500 pesos

Swimming pool: 70 pesos

Table rent: 20 pesos

Billiard: 70 pesos per hour

Address: Pindasan, Mabini Comval Province

Contact Information: 0905600117

Explore. Dream. Discover.

Drowned In The Sea of Grief

I desired to be as free as the clouds above,

drift as the wind blows.

shed tears whenever and wherever I want,

and vanish as darkness eats the world.

As I opened eyes in the morning,

the light tries to surprise me.

Giving hope when I needed not hope,

lending a hand when I need not help.

It’s too difficult to be alive when

everything around you was dead,

like carrying bags of frustrations,

holding on a rod of broken glasses.

I have been down in the dumps,

could not even remember happy memories.

I began to love staying awake on midnight,

where I heard nothing but calmness.

Night’s cold, the world’s dying with me,

the sound of silence gave me relief and freedom.

How satisfying it was to be alone,

and to make marks in my arms.

Nothing will change, nothing can mend this,

the spirit that I used to strengthen was broken.

It  feels like swimming in a sea of catastrophe,

and drowned in a sea of grief.

Davao City’s Perfect Combo

I remembered those days when Mom and I went to a market 4am in the morning to buy goods, vegetables, meat and any recipes for her small restaurant business. The reason why I go  with her was to eat puto-maya and drink hot tsokolate, in her friend’s stall, which I considered as a PERFECT COMBO. No doubt, these became two of my favorite Filipino delicacies.

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Puto-maya, a type of rice cake which originated from Cebu, is made of glutinous rice, fresh ginger and sweetened milk. According from what I have read, the well-loved kakanin is the perfect partner for Filipino hot tsokolate because they complement each other’s taste.

Tsokolate, on the other hand, is made with tablea (chocolate tablets), and tempered with milk and sugar.

In Davao City, the best place to have this perfect combination is at the Agdao Public Market. The place was too crowded, full of different stalls, and I could not honestly say that it was a hundred percent hygienic since it’s a public market. My friends and I went to a food spot named, Novo Ecijano Eatery, where we found the Filipino delicacies mentioned above. The place was clean and the service crews were all disciplined and kind.

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These combination of Filipino delicacies were good especially when the rain falls so hard and all you wanted to do is to lie down in bed, cover your body with a blanket and read a book.

Puto-maya costs 10 pesos

Tsokolate costs 10 pesos as well, with or without milk.

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With just 20 pesos you can fully enjoy the

perfect taste of these perfect combination.

 

 

 

‘Till next time!

This blog post specifically talks about my two friends Remel and his wife, Catherine who will migrate this 15th of June 2017 to Canada. As you observed, I have mentioned in my previous blog posts that these good people will leave Philippines and it honestly made me unhappy, after knowing that they need to move there. They became my second family especially Remel, who treated me like a real brother for almost 2 years and who’s always ready to listen whenever I have something to share; and Catherine, who became one of my close friends in the church.

June 4, Sunday. The day my friend, Remel, stated his gratitude to all the members of the church. He was crying and unable to fully express what he wanted to say, everyone were saddened.

June 8, Thursday. Remel, invited me to join their farewell party and at the same time, to celebrate. I hesitated to say yes because I knew it’s not going to be an ordinary moment for them and for their loved ones─ for us. I imagined myself giving a farewell message and I could not stop my tears from falling, hard to speak─ to breathe. I declined the invitation, and I reasoned out that I have few tasks to do in school. I was afraid and I didn’t want them to see me in my weakest side.

June 9, Friday. I received information from a friend that they will spend the whole night at Gepaya family’s home, I hesitated again.

It was 4pm when I unexpectedly got a text message from Remel, telling me that I need to go to Abreeza as soon as possible; Catherine and her friend, Adah was also there. So, I immediately went to the said place. First, we ate in J.CO wherein we laughed the whole time, recalled memories and funny moments; second, we had a dinner in a Korean Restaurant, which actually was my first time because I’m not really in to Korean delicacies and we found out that every food served were all delicious, and unusual.  We had an opportunity to live their culture for at least an hour.

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Remel, Me, Catherine and Adah

9pm, we went to their home together and I decided to sleep there the whole night, to be with them while they’re still here.

11pm, he called me upstairs and gave me the inks of his Parker pens and some of his humorous books, which I liked most.

June 10, Saturday. We had a priesthood activity somewhere in Pindasan. We bond for the last time with one of the quorum members, Remel. He said that he will surely miss the church, the members and of course his friends and family. We had fun, yes we were all tired yet happy.

June 11, Sunday. Their last Sunday in the church. We took pictures together with their other friends who became so emotional.

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2pm, Remel, texted me again to go in their house at exactly 6pm because he said that they will cook spaghetti (which was honestly, one of my favorite foods). Another text from him popped-up in my phone telling me to pack-up all my things, and asked me to stay in their house, together with their family, to go with them in the airport, on Monday morning. As I arrived in their house, all I felt was deep sadnessmixed emotions, I felt so heavy.

June 12, Monday. This was the day. I’m not ready. We were not ready. And it’s raining outside. The weather was too cold. As I woke up 5am, I’ve seen them preparing all their bags, I could not feel anything, it seemed like a bucket of tears will drop in my eyes. They were both sad and excited, they tried not to cry.

They said goodbye to Marcy and Bella, their two dogs; to Christian (Catherine’s elder brother) and to Benjamin (Catherine’s in-law) who decided not to go with us in the airport. I was the only one there who’s apparently not part of their family but they treated me as one.

7:30am, we arrived in the airport. They checked-in and we had breakfast in a fast food restaurant since their flight will be at 10pm. We talked about a lot of things and deep in my mind, I wanted to pause time, I didn’t want to look at my watch. I didn’t want them to go.

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9pm, everything went slow. We said goodbye to each other, they hugged each one of us. Seeing them leave made us feel sad, this time, it’s hard to look at the bright side. If only we could stop them from leaving and beg them to just stay, WE WILL.

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9:30am, I went straight to our apartment, crying like a 4-year old kid and started to reminisce memories, adventures and unplanned outings and sleepovers. It’s hard. That was how it felt when you’re so close with people; but no, I didn’t regret anything. Maybe the blues, I felt right now, will mend soon. “Time heals”, they said.

But there’s one thing I regretted most, it was the day when they invited me to their farewell party, if I should’ve went there, I could precisely say all the things I wanted them to hear and perhaps to say thank you for all they have done.

Now, their currently in Cebu, to visit in our church’s temple for the last time. This Thursday, they will leave Philippines to begin a new journey in Canada.

Till next time, good friends!

Hope to see you both soon─ after 5 years, maybe.