Friday Night

Friday, 25th day of August 2017─ I was tired, literally. Not the same tired I feel every time I’m alone, this tired was a combination of a tired body and a tired soul. After the whole day class, I felt so empty. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, should I go home in our province or not, and how long would I stay in our apartment until I could feel the excitement of going home.

But, I decided to go with my classmates and friends at a store in front the University. I was unwell, I felt like no one’s with me, like I’m in a dark room where I was the only one who exists, perhaps it’s either because I drank soft drinks three times that day or I haven’t slept for 8-hours. At 6:30pm I went to our apartment and prepared my clothes, yet I still feel empty.

Heading home at 9pm, I happened to sit with a girl who I thought was older than me, because I heard while she’s answering a phone call that it’s her 5th year in the same University where I also studied. Maybe, you would call me “chismoso” (gossip) after you have read the next situations. She seemed so annoyed, angry or disappointed, I guess. Using my peripheral eyes’ view, I looked at her phone as she was angrily typing a long reply to her Mom’s “Asa naman ka? Gabii na kayo, dapat naa naka diri ingarong orasa!” (Where are you? It’s late; you should be here at this time). Her Mom called many times but she kept declining it because she continually typed her long “disrespectful” reply. After she has sent the reply, it was then she answered the call. She explained why she’s going home late.

The only sound I could hear that moment was the sound of other vehicles and her brash voice.She reasoned out that she was washing all her clothes, which of course, consumes a lot of time. However, I found out why she felt that way, and telling all the details would be too much. The only thing I’ve realized that night was, she’s too impolite to her Mom. I know she’s wrong and likewise, I know and understand why she acted that way. I admit, I was similar to her but my parents were not like her parents who always check their children’s situation.

In fact, I have not experienced receiving calls and texts from them telling me to go home early, or asking whether I’m okay or not. She’s so lucky. She’s one of the most fortunate daughters in this world, blessed with loving parents. How I wish I could also taste how it feels like to receive the same text messages or phone calls from Mom and Dad. Maybe soon, or most likely, never.

Some of you might find it annoying when you receive lots of messages from your parents, but please appreciate their care, effort and love. 

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The Struggles of a Broken Home

At a very young age, I have realized growing up with a broken home was quite a shitty experience─ I mean, who would have even want to be in this situation? The kind of family that I have is not the kind of family other people would dream about and the condition I have right now was not easy and will never be easy, and this changed the whole me, which was actually the worst thing ever happened.

Living inside a house back when my parents were together was rough and time had passed, I felt that nothing’s normal in the place I used to call home. The two happy memories I had with them, was first, on 2001 when Dad got his first salary on his new job, so we, as a family, went to a mall in Tagum City and they bought brand new clothes and toys for me; and second, was on 2003 when they surprised me on my 6th birthday, cooked all my favorite foods and invited several friends to join the celebration. Honestly, the house looked so special that moment. The rest of the memories I had with them, together, was a tragedy. They always fight every night or even past 4am, they usually fight because of money and of Dad’s other woman.

27th of August 2007, they separated and broke what they have promised to each when they had their wedding day. After that, everything began to change; including the arrangement of the stuffs inside the house and the way we live.  At first I thought, the term “broken family” was just nothing, I was ignorant for I haven’t heard that term in our school or even in our church. I had no clue, not until I have seen Dad cry for the first time and Mom, who was tremendously depressed and devastated, which made me realized that “broken family” was not something to be excited about.

Note: The reason why I decided to publish this blog was to share the 3 struggles you might come across if ever your Mom and Dad separate.

GOING TO CHURCH ALONE. We grew and built memories in the church because my grandparents were one of our branch’s pioneers. When the misfortune in our house happened, I started to go to church unaccompanied. It was tough because my sister and parents became inactive. Together with the other members, we tried to reach them out but we failed. Until now, I never stopped trying; I kept going to church every Sunday, attend activities, thinking that these would make them grasp that coming back in the church would make them feel better. Our church has established the belief that “Families Can Be Together Forever” and yes, I still believe this will ensue.

WHERE TO SPEND CHRISTMAS. Christmas was one of the most special days of the year; you receive gifts, apologizes, express appreciations to someone and feel happy together with your loved ones.  We used to celebrate Christmas together even if Dad always arrived late. After their separation, I was so upset as to where am I going to spend Christmas and to divide my time.  I usually go to Mom’s new house at 11pm- 12am and 12am on wards, I go to dad. It was so unusual, it’s miserable because I could not feel the same happiness I used to feel when celebrating this occasion.

CHOOSING WHO WILL GO WITH YOU DURING GRADUATIONS AND RECOGNITIONS. Sometimes, people say that when you’re a product of a broken home, you could no longer achieve your plans and follow the wrong path instead. During my grade school to secondary years, I didn’t lose hope to finish my studies and pursue my dreams. But what made those moments hard was when I need to choose who between mom and dad I would go with to accept the recognition or receive any awards. I didn’t want to choose. If only, I could walk and receive a diploma or award alone, I will.

These are some of the bad things you might encounter when you have broken home. You will feel how difficult and depressing it is to choose and to live. Yes─ I could no longer hear screams and yelling at 4am, I am free to go wherever I want without their permission, I am allowed to do the things I’d like to pursue but still, I am longing for their scolds, for their texts and calls asking me to go home because it’s late, and for their support as I chase my dreams.

If ever you’re reading this blog post, love your family. Right now, maybe you feel bad because your parents won’t allow you to hang out with your friends, maybe you’re angry on their way of discipline, maybe you felt unfair the way your parents treat you and maybe you think they love your younger and elder siblings more than you, but still love them, keep them. If you think their fights were just normal, no, you need to stop them. Remember, these tragedy started with little quarrels until their relationship became wrecked. For those who also have the same situation like me, let’s fulfill our dreams together and defy people’s wrong expectations.

In my case, what’s done is done. Nothing will change and I felt hopeless. Perhaps, things would have been worse if they remained together. All I need to do is to face everything, make myself believe like nothing’s wrong, cry to feel relieved and to stay resilient. If ever I could no longer handle situations, I’d be much glad for I already raised awareness on how hard things will be if your family’s broken.

It’s sad because

the thought of my parent’s separation

still fogs my thoughts everyday.

Writer’s Letter to His Ownself

You’re not a wrong choice, you’re tough.

You’re somebody’s 11:11 wish, and someone’s favorite song.

You’re a human who commit errors, and exceeds disaster.

You have friends, and you’re a friend.

Be calm, be optimistic, and be happy

Start achieving your visions,

instead of pondering those tragedies.

Shape a strong foundation of your courage, and faith.

Do not let your wrong choices,

bring you into life’s deepest struggles, and sadness.

Everybody’s struggling, and everybody feels pain;

you’re not alonethough you feel you are.