I know, I’m weak

I want to die. Perhaps you have always heard these words from me before or read this awful statement on my previous blog posts. No, I’m not telling this to seek a little bit of your attention and care or to receive words of encouragements that you think might help my soul to at least feel alive. I am not doing this to make you wonder how stupid my life is. I am not saying these words to make you realize, that I am so unhappy and down, that I need you to make me feel loved. However, you need not to give such effort in trying to change the way I think or to make me feel I am important, that I still need to continue and live life amidst all struggles. Please, don’t.

When I wake-up in the morning and sleep at night, I always feel the same. I don’t want to get up in bed every morning because I feel so heavy like I’m carrying the whole world full of shits; and at night, I always feel scared, alone, sad and empty. No matter how hard I try to rescue myself, I still feel the same. I’m tired of people. I’M TIRED OF EVERYTHING.

I thought the reason of all these were my parent’s separation, their new families, the moments I saw Mom wasted, drinking beer and crying all her sadness in front of me, my sister’s unwise decisions in life, my nephew’s condition, my dad’s slip ups, the people I used to call “friends”, the wrong choices I have made, the hatred I have inside, or the doubts and hesitations I have in myself— but I was wrong. This is different. It’s worse than any other reasons.

I always wanted to die, wishing for a car to hit me or maybe to jump off in a 10-storey building; until I savor and feel how fast the wind would take me to a peaceful place they call paradise. I want to die because that is what I always feel.

I know, I’m weak.

Advertisements

Au Revoir

I wandered in the shore,

waiting for the sun to set,

Avocets chirping, cold breeze blowing

giving courage, tranquility— life.

The ocean looked calm,

as calm as the clouds in the sky,

waves’ sweet melody, so harmonious, so smooth.

I can hear it, and sense it.

 

As I continued walking,

miles from where I came from,

footsteps in the sand, gently fading,

sun’s vanishing, no pause, no break.

Darkness gradually surrounded the place,

until I could no longer see light,

the light that used to gleam at times I needed.

I suddenly heard this sweet melody.

But that melody eventually faded.

 

Days had passed; I was still stuck in here,

constantly hoping for the bright light to appear,

Perhaps, it will never show up once more.

Things will never be the same again

I moved slowly to reach the seawater,

and decided to drown myself,

this time, I heard nothing else but silence.

Silence that I was longing for years.

Questions I Hate Most

I wrote this blog post while I was inside a non-air bus, heading to our province and yes─ I literally struggled writing this one. It’s just there’s something in the deepest part of myself that pushed me to write what’s on my mind before I forget those. The topic that suddenly popped up in my mind was about questions I hate most because we often feel annoyed when someone asks questions even if the answers were already obvious and embarrassed when insensitive people ask questions that might possibly expose all your secrets.

These type of questions could change your entire mood for the whole day or even worse, whole life; of course each question has its own reasons.

1. Why do you wear the same shirt/pants almost every week? For your information, I only have 2 pants from ukay-ukay and perhaps 10 shirts for school and for me, these were enough. I don’t buy branded clothes and I usually go thrift shopping.

Whether the things I wore were pleasing in your eyes or these bothered you, always remember, you need not to care, mind your own or buy me one.

2. Why you don’t play basketball? Are all men required to play this sport? I mean, we have different hobbies. I observed that almost all men and women liked this sport; some knew how to play and others prefer just to watch. I don’t play basketball simply because I don’t feel it and if I play this sport, for sure I’ll be the smallest among all the players which is actually more embarrassing.

They said, men who don’t play basketball are gays. I’d like them to know “I don’t need this sport to prove to everybody I’m a real man” Better question: What sport are you in to?

3. May I ask a question? You just did. I appreciate you for asking first permission about an important question you will ask but please ask me straight to your point.

4. Why do you always spend your time on twitter? First and foremost, I don’t always spend my time on twitter. Twitter is where I can freely express myself and this is an enough reason for you to stop asking this question.

5. Are you sad? Are you okay? I used to love these questions because through this, I could say you really cared. But time had passed; I started to get annoyed when these questions were asked frequently especially from the people whom I less like, it’s too much. If you think I’m not okay, do a move to make me feel okay, share whatever you wanted to share because whether I’m okay or not I will still listen anyway, throw a joke, make me laugh or if you can’t do any of these, you can just keep your mouth zipped, that would make me feel better.

6. Why do you study in a state University in Davao when you can find the course you wanted to pursue in your province? This question was seldom asked by some of my dad’s family members. I have four answers to this question; the first reason why I decided to study in Davao was to stay away from people who made my life worse. Second, was to train myself to become more independent, learn new lessons and to improve myself. Third, I grabbed CHED’s scholarships offer. Fourth, to fulfill my greatest dream which was to graduate in one of the best and well-known Universities in the Philipines because I believe that a school’s name would help me get a job easier.

It sucks me up hearing people ask questions like this when in fact, they were not the ones who paid all my fees in school.

7. You’re already 20 years old, why you don’t have girlfriend? My parents haven’t stepped college, and my sister decided not to continue pursuing her course because she was pregnant when she’s 22 years old. This means that the pressure was on me, I need and I have to finish all my studies to find a decent job, and to help my family get out from poverty. However, I wanted to become a returned missionary with honor in our Church as well for I believe it is one of our duties and responsibilities as a member.

The reason why I hate this question was that we, people, have different priorities and we already know that. Whenever I hear this, it’s either a person was trying to question my gender or making me feel that having a girlfriend is a top priority.

Questions we ask and will ask always matter. All we need to do is to think first before letting it out in our mouth. Change our words and make sure, we will help the person, and not to worsen his situation. We are not perfect; we often ask annoying questions intentionally and unintentionally but now, you already know my side, there’s no reason for you to ask again the mentioned questions above.

Date written: May 26, 2017, Friday Night

 

DECISION-MAKING AND SAVING MONEY

I will tell you the list of how the previous and this week became the worst week that I’ve ever had, probably this blog post talk about decision-making and saving money, which are both essential in the process of endurance (or survival). I’ve witnessed people who were really sad like it’s the end of everything, how they regret and how their lives were changed because of wrong decisions or choices. However, I have also seen persons who neglected the importance of saving money, and because of that; of course, they were unable to supply their own needs (and wants) which led them to get loans and finances or borrow money from their friends, parents, or anyone who they think could support them with their difficulties. They did not know, in the very first place, that to lend money from others would just add-up to whatever their burdens are─ they were not able pay their debts.

Isn’t it ironic? I already have these ideas that the two factors mentioned above were all noteworthy yet I didn’t even apply it in my own self? Okay, so here’s the list

1. Thursday, May 25, 2017. It was May 8 when I found out that my iPhone’s cord was not functioning well, so I decided to buy a new one; but because I did not have budget to purchase the safest cord for this sensitive phone, that actually costs 200 pesos, I temporarily bought a cheap cord from Juicy, a close friend. It worked. I used it for about 16 days. In May 25, my phone’s battery percentage drained fast (like 100% to 55% in just 2 minutes) and I was thinking that it has something to do with the cord. I became paranoid. I immediately went to Davao (because I was in our province that time, you know─ vacation!), bought the safe and new one, and went back to our province. That quick. I consumed 350 pesos in one day; but, buying a new cord did not solve the issue in this f─ phone.

2. Friday, May 26 2017. Every time I use the camera or cellular data, it (the phone) randomly shutdown which annoyed me very much. I researched in web as to how am I going to troubleshoot this phone and asked Apple Support several queries and they said restoring or resetting the phone will resolve the issue. I went to setting, and f─ I could not reset my phone because I enabled the restriction setting about 2 months ago and forgot the 4-digit code. I had several attempts yet I could not remember the code.

3. Monday, Morning, May 29, 2017. Before I went to Davao, I decided to buy a new pair of sandals, the same brand with the old one, Birkenstock. At exactly 10 minutes, I finally found the best pair and it cost 229 pesos. I was happy, I had finally expended my money into one of the most vital things I need. Heading to Davao, I confidently wore my sandals, heads up and proud.

At night, I realized, what I did was a wrong decision. Yes, I checked the sandals, whether it fits to my skin color or not; whether I will look rich whenever I wear it or not (lol). I did not check whether it is durable or not, whether it has a good quality or not and whether it is fake or not. The sole of the sandals started to get worse.

4. Monday, Evening, May 29, 2017. I and my friend, Phillip, went to Roxas Night Market to have dinner. After all, there are a lot more things that worth a celebration. But again, going there was a wrong choice. I did not notice that I was spending my money with foods, and drinks and ice cream which were not included in my budget plan. Yes, I know and understood that there are more possible ways to celebrate without spending much money with just foods.

5. Tuesday, May 30, 2017. The main reason why I went to Davao early was because one of our teachers (don’t know if she’s really a teacher or not) told us that she’ll let us view our grades and to watch movie with my friends. We waited her for almost 3 and a half hour, yet she did not show up ; a text message from that teacher popped-up into our class mayor’s phone telling that she’ll not make it today. I was disappointed. Really. DISAPPOINTED.

These experiences made me upset and tired at the same time. I have learned a lot and hopefully, these things would sink in the deepest part of my brain for the next time.

 

Bright Side of Life

So, I’m relishing my 1-week summer vacation─ no, just vacation. And I’m going to spend this entire week with myself, of course, dad’s working and mom as well. No daytrips and no volleyball games, because my church friends were all busy with their own lives.

Apparently, I’m alone. Yes. ALONE.

Yet, I love being alone. Perhaps few of you feels the same way I feel, but being alone for me, means freedom, freedom to do whatever I want; being alone, at some point means being fearless. Being alone means being you; it is when you can openly unmask your whole self, because you’re not afraid and it is when you can scream aloud, feel sad and cry, and feel happy; it depends on what you feel.

But being alone in our house is different. I mean, the atmosphere is different. I didn’t know what exactly bothers me, like something deep inside is going to burst.

As I watched the living room, I have seen imaginary individuals, and happenings. All of a sudden, I remembered memories, memories that changed and ruined our lives. I remembered choices, choices that made this life a disaster. I have seen people, people whom I assumed would always be there whenever I needed them.

That thursday night, I tried to talk to the Man up there, seeking comfort; because I could no longer help myself thinking about all these.  I want to embrace Him so tight, to follow His steps─ to be with Him. I want to die. No, I didn’t say that for you to pity me nor to think about the possible options I could do. I did say that because that’s what I felt. I know, it’s hard. It’s like I’m always sinking and drowning. And it’s sad.

If you’re one of those people whom I shared my problems with, thank you. Thank you for lending me your ears, thank you for the short-term relief, for making me glad and for accompanying me. I appreciate your presence, your words, and your care, and your help.

I will try my best to fight and to always look at the bright side of everything.

I hope you’re doing well, do not be like me

and put this in mind,

yeah
Always look on the bright side of life.
Date Written: 25th of May

It’s over, I guess.

I slept 4 o’clock in the morning, and didn’t mind the fact that we will have our first meeting for our Afro-Asian theatrical play at 8am in our college’s lobby, not even afraid with the pisoper-minute policy, which served as penalty to those who will come late. I did not intentionally slept at that exact time, it’s just I couldn’t sleep; I was bothered, and worried, I mean there were lots of stuffs running inside my mind these past few days and I didn’t know why it had to come back frequently. I was distracted, unable to focus─ overthinking.

I woke up, 5 in the morning. Obviously, I just had an hour of sleep, and it was not enough; it feels like I’m carrying the world, so heavy. I took a bath and wore my clothes, watched myself in the mirror and smiled. While on my way to school, I bought a candy, and I unexpectedly read a message from its wrapper telling,  “Kaya mo yan!

C-3GLSqXsAIz6I2

So I was encouraged to start the day right.

But in the afternoon everything dramatically changed, life’s truly unfair. No matter how I push myself to think positively, there will still sudden misfortunes that will arise. I didn’t talk to anyone. Perhaps, my school was one of the factors why I became like this. There were lots of requirements to comply and fees to pay. We also have loads of tasks to do.

I have been asking myself why, why I existed? Am I just here to receive all the dilemmas of the world? Of other people? Of my own family? I need answers, answers that would satisfy me.

There were times that I think it’s better to jump off a 15-story building to stay away from these shits, to feel comfort, to ease the pain and to feel contentment. Physically and emotionally, and mentally, I’m exhausted. This isn’t normal.

These thoughts were making me weak,

These thoughts were trying to eat me alive.

It’s over, I guess.

Date Written: May 1, 2017