Unordinary Déjà vu

When our 1-week vacation started, I had nothing else to do in our house but eat, surf the internet, clean all the areas of the living room, wash the dishes, cook meals for myself because I am always alone from morning to night and of course, sleep. I used to love sleeping. At first, I thought it would give me an 8-hour medication to relieve from anxiety, to at least forget the things that bothered me, to escape reality and to have time to feel at ease─ but I was wrong.

Sleeping began to steal my whole self. Sleeping gave me time to remember the things I didn’t want to remember. Sleeping brought me back to places I hate most. Sleeping created new dimensions inside me where all my weaknesses, disappointments, and bad memories took place. Sleeping allowed me to dream nightmares and events which I thought were true. These all happened when I started to dream the same dreams every time I sleep. I could remember scenes in my dreams, the same order, the same people and the same story. Everything looked so real. In fact, one of my dreams already happened, it was during my nephew’s 5th birthday celebration. It wasn’t just an ordinary déjà vu. And this is not normal. I’m not normal. I’m scared.

Thursday─ August 3, 2017

I’m tired

I’m tired.

I’m tired of recalling those nights when I heard shouts from my parents’ room at 3am.

I’m tired of knowing that Mom and Dad’s priority was not us. I’m tired of seeing them with their new families.

I’m tired of looking at my nephew’s sad eyes, longing for attention and for real happiness and for real love from his parents. If only I could not leave him, play with him all day and go with him wherever he wants, I will.

I’m tired of waiting for my family to come back in the church, it feels like waiting for a fish to drown in the sea.

I’m tired of doing my best for others and they didn’t even recognize it.

I’m tired of committing mistakes, and of becoming a mistake.

I’m tired of staying awake until 4am, staring at the ceiling, felt so empty; and of waking up early morning, carrying bags of rocks─ so heavy.

How I wish I could just close my eyes in a fine night, rest in harmony ’til all my struggles fade away, with me.

I’m tired of sharing my thoughts to anybody and of hearing voices.

I’m tired of watching people who got tired of me, tired of helping me to take away all the tragedies chained and locked in my body.

I’m tired of being treated like a rubbish. Once they get what they want, they will eventually leave.

I’m tired of being helpless and judged easily by other people.

I’m tired of seeing complete and happy families, eating dinner together, traveling together.

I’m tired of feeling sad and of being a burden.

I’m tired of pushing myself to smile, pretending like nothing’s going to wreck my inner self, even if the monster inside me tries to eat all my happy thoughts.

I’m tired of having friends, I no longer want to bother them.

I’m tired of being tired physically, emotionally and mentally.

I’m tired of breathing and of being alive.

I’m tired of shedding all my tears at times when I’m alone.

I’m tired of seeking help, I’m tired of being me─ of everything.

Maybe this is the right time, because,

I’m tired.

 

Drowned In The Sea of Grief

I desired to be as free as the clouds above,

drift as the wind blows.

shed tears whenever and wherever I want,

and vanish as darkness eats the world.

As I opened eyes in the morning,

the light tries to surprise me.

Giving hope when I needed not hope,

lending a hand when I need not help.

It’s too difficult to be alive when

everything around you was dead,

like carrying bags of frustrations,

holding on a rod of broken glasses.

I have been down in the dumps,

could not even remember happy memories.

I began to love staying awake on midnight,

where I heard nothing but calmness.

Night’s cold, the world’s dying with me,

the sound of silence gave me relief and freedom.

How satisfying it was to be alone,

and to make marks in my arms.

Nothing will change, nothing can mend this,

the spirit that I used to strengthen was broken.

It  feels like swimming in a sea of catastrophe,

and drowned in a sea of grief.

Send help

I arrived in the place

and quickly went down the plane,

Finally, I had a chance to visit my dream destination!

I was drained, so I checked in the nearest guesthouse

and napped for almost an hour.

I woke up and noticed changes,

everything was different,

including my room, my bed.

I was prisoned somewhere in New York,

unable to move freely,

to talk around with different people,

to observe how beautiful

and high the buildings are, day and night;

to walk along the city and meet new faces.

All I perceived was darkness,

nothing else but darkness.

In other rooms, I heard loud voices,

craving for care, and security

screaming for help, and love, and joyfulness.

Trying to find answers to escape,

seeking justice, and freedom.

And just like me, they didn’t know

why they were there.

Send help.

 

Living; Dying

How heart-breaking it is,

when people walk away,

got exhausted of the things you’ve said

over, and over again.

They’ve constructed blockades,

and refrain dealing with you.

Perhaps, that would typical human-beings do,

when they get along with

pessimistsparanoids,

depressed.

“Friend” they called you once,

you made them laugh

at times they wanted it,

you removed all their loads.

You gave them words,

to uplift their wrecked spirits.

One Friday night,

you looked-for them, seeking help;

but they’re unreachable.

Invisible,

unable to see them, and feel them, either.

It hurts

so much,

like terrorists implanted bombs in your body,

after a minute, it eventually burst, so painful.

Similar emotion when you were a 5-year old kid,

enjoyed frolicking everywhere with peers,

jumping and running around,

you unexpectedly fell in a rough ground.

It feels like living,

and dying at the same time.

Complicated.

Confusing.

Sad.

Soon, he’ll fade away

“He’s not in our world”, you said.

 

I.

It was a sunny Wednesday afternoon,

when you last saw him displaying his perky smile;

throwing nonsense punch lines and witticism,

which gave you positivity and pleasure.

And since that time, everybody thought he’ll act the same on the succeeding days.

As day had passed, you’ve seen him, loosing liveliness.

He’s so quiet, not talking to anybody;

like no one surrounds him, no one’s with him.

He wasn’t even looking into other people’s eyes.

You heard no whispers;

even his breathe.

 

II.

It’s unusual, and weird at the same time.

You looked at him,

trying to find hints as to what really happened.

You thought, the answer was in his eyes,

nothing was there but emptiness.

It took you exactly ten steps to reach him.

You asked him why.

Still, you didn’t figure out.

He actually became the winner of his own game,

I mean, he made others believe he’s well, he’s okay, he’s fine;

although he’s not.

 

III.

He used to be happy every day,

pretending as if  nothing’s wrong,

nothing’s bothering his mind,

nothing’s falling apart and

nothing’s stealing the delight he used to feel.

No one cared.

Even his sister, who always pick wrong choices, wrong decisions and follows wrong direction;

even his mom, who’s so obsessed with her new-asshole-pretentious-dick-head-husband─ a nightmare!

Even his aunts, who blamed him for being so ambitious, a thief, liar;

even his dad, who started all the pain and;

even his desires,  the people whom he expected would help him, and even his own self.

Anyway, it’s not their fault.

Who would even dare to join with his complicated and messy life?

 

IV.

Behind those smiles,

are millions of fears,

sadness, and weaknesses,

destroying all his thoughts like bombs.

Behind his loud voice,

are dark clouds, seemed to burst lightning, heavy rains and  thunderstorms.

No rainbows, no bliss at all.

 

V.

And just like the clouds,

That man,

Soon, will fade away

That was not me..

I am not me,

when I start to think of

miserable stuffs.

I am not me,

when I’m home.

I am not me,

when I  laugh exaggeratedly like

Madame Watson’s 6am car horn.

I am not me,

when I gaze at an open-window

for 7 200 seconds,

like a 100 year-old Grandpa;

who’s humbly waiting for his death.

I am me,

when I’m alone;

like a jar full of disasters,

asking for relief.

I am me,

who make bad decisions and

wrong choices.

I am a broken-window,

in our neighbor’s old house.

I am a garbage,

full of wastes,

junks

and scraps.

I am me,

who seeks attention;

like a toddler,

playing tambourines.

I am a 4am thought,

who longed for  kindred spirits.

Last Monday night, you asked me:

Are you alright?

I’m fine.

I answered with bliss but

that was not me.

BIGGEST LIFE REGRETS

When you look back on the things that happened in your life, is there anything you wish you could change? Most of us would say “Of course!”. They would probably change the decisions they made, or perhaps the track they have chosen.

So I’ll share you my Biggest Life Regrets, here they are:

1. Should’ve eaten veggies when I was a little kid. “Heath matters!” they said. As I grow up, I became more knowledgeable about the benefits of eating vegetables. But now, I’m doing my best to eat them all, I believe I can *cries

2. Go on a mission first. Our church president once said to me as he conducted a heart-to-heart interview about my decisions and plans in life, “I tell you, you don’t know the consequences upon choosing temporal things.” I seldom feel bothered and sad because I chose to study first than to serve a mission.  There are also times in my life that I almost waved my white flag.

3. Listened attentively to Mr. Rod, as he discoursed arithmetic. To be honest, I find it tough to solve basic equations; I mean it’s not easy to remember all those nonsense formulas wth. Perhaps, if I just listened to him well, I might find Math as one of my much-loved subjects (I know, it’s impossible haha)

4. Should’ve not used vulgar language. I felt so evil, every time I utter these words *sighs.

5. Pursue Mass-communication. I’m not telling I don’t like the career that I selected to pursue, it’s just I could not feel the eagerness when I am in the actual field, educating students with diverse dispositions; it’s so hassle! I occasionally think that, teaching is not the profession that I dreamed about,  nonetheless, I still need to finish this path whether I like it or not.  The Man up there will guide and help me.

6. Opening-up a bit of story about my Family’s situation. Sharing the things that were running through my head for so long was a bad idea (like what did I even do that?); I should’ve not expressed to my classmates these kind of stuffs. It was better left unsaid. I don’t like the feeling when people will pity you. There was once a time when a colleague said to me, “Katawa-katawa lang na siya, pero dako diay kay nag problema sa iyang pamilya. Kalooy!” like what the fuck are you trying to say? Huh?

7. Pressing/Squeezing my pimples way back when they first showed up. “Man carrying a bundle of constellations.” I became more conscious about how I look in other people’s eyes; especially when someone stares at my face.

8. Shaving my beard at the age of 9. Now, I looked like a 50-year old daddy with my beard, and they grow so fast!

9. I should’ve become a “peacemaker”. Life would not be this worse if I stopped mom and dad from their little quarrels and arguments. Maybe, today, I’ll experience family outings, picnics, and a dinner with a complete family laughing about each other’s nonsense witticisms, and planning about adventures or whatsoever exciting stuffs. However, I could not bring back time. What’s done is done! All I have to do now, is to appreciate life and surpass the consequences of the choices I made, I mean, they made.

Sad, but we can no longer change what happened. Accept. Stay positive. Don’t let all your regrets affect your desires.

Tragic Enigma

22nd of March

I’m at home.

Alone.

I don’t have the urge to do anything.

Though there are loads of burdens,

I need to conform.

It was passed 2 am,

when things started to get worse.

The same tragedy,

that happened on December 21st

Tossing and turning all night.

Staring at the opened-window for almost 2 hours.

Bothered.

And this may be so uproarious,

I’m pondering of shits I don’t know.

Waiting for a single clatter to amuse me,

but all I heard was silence,

nothing else but silence;

and eerie noise of crickets,

playing in the midst of the hours of darkness.

Sudden grief wrecked

and smashed my mind,

until

it was busted into pieces,

and swell,

like pebbles on the shore.

I went downstairs;

and decided to take a bath,

the world suddenly stopped spinning.

I watched the drops of water,

as it fall down in the bucket.

Trying to find answers,

to this mystery.