I know, I’m weak

I want to die. Perhaps you have always heard these words from me before or read this awful statement on my previous blog posts. No, I’m not telling this to seek a little bit of your attention and care or to receive words of encouragements that you think might help my soul to at least feel alive. I am not doing this to make you wonder how stupid my life is. I am not saying these words to make you realize, that I am so unhappy and down, that I need you to make me feel loved. However, you need not to give such effort in trying to change the way I think or to make me feel I am important, that I still need to continue and live life amidst all struggles. Please, don’t.

When I wake-up in the morning and sleep at night, I always feel the same. I don’t want to get up in bed every morning because I feel so heavy like I’m carrying the whole world full of shits; and at night, I always feel scared, alone, sad and empty. No matter how hard I try to rescue myself, I still feel the same. I’m tired of people. I’M TIRED OF EVERYTHING.

I thought the reason of all these were my parent’s separation, their new families, the moments I saw Mom wasted, drinking beer and crying all her sadness in front of me, my sister’s unwise decisions in life, my nephew’s condition, my dad’s slip ups, the people I used to call “friends”, the wrong choices I have made, the hatred I have inside, or the doubts and hesitations I have in myself— but I was wrong. This is different. It’s worse than any other reasons.

I always wanted to die, wishing for a car to hit me or maybe to jump in 10-storey building; until I savor and feel how fast the wind would take me to a peaceful place they call paradise. I want to die because that is what I always feel.

I know, I’m weak.

Drowned In The Sea of Grief

I desired to be as free as the clouds above,

drift as the wind blows.

shed tears whenever and wherever I want,

and vanish as darkness eats the world.

As I opened eyes in the morning,

the light tries to surprise me.

Giving hope when I needed not hope,

lending a hand when I need not help.

It’s too difficult to be alive when

everything around you was dead,

like carrying bags of frustrations,

holding on a rod of broken glasses.

I have been down in the dumps,

could not even remember happy memories.

I began to love staying awake on midnight,

where I heard nothing but calmness.

Night’s cold, the world’s dying with me,

the sound of silence gave me relief and freedom.

How satisfying it was to be alone,

and to make marks in my arms.

Nothing will change, nothing can mend this,

the spirit that I used to strengthen was broken.

It  feels like swimming in a sea of catastrophe,

and drowned in a sea of grief.

Bright Side of Life

So, I’m relishing my 1-week summer vacation─ no, just vacation. And I’m going to spend this entire week with myself, of course, dad’s working and mom as well. No daytrips and no volleyball games, because my church friends were all busy with their own lives.

Apparently, I’m alone. Yes. ALONE.

Yet, I love being alone. Perhaps few of you feels the same way I feel, but being alone for me, means freedom, freedom to do whatever I want; being alone, at some point means being fearless. Being alone means being you; it is when you can openly unmask your whole self, because you’re not afraid and it is when you can scream aloud, feel sad and cry, and feel happy; it depends on what you feel.

But being alone in our house is different. I mean, the atmosphere is different. I didn’t know what exactly bothers me, like something deep inside is going to burst.

As I watched the living room, I have seen imaginary individuals, and happenings. All of a sudden, I remembered memories, memories that changed and ruined our lives. I remembered choices, choices that made this life a disaster. I have seen people, people whom I assumed would always be there whenever I needed them.

That thursday night, I tried to talk to the Man up there, seeking comfort; because I could no longer help myself thinking about all these.  I want to embrace Him so tight, to follow His steps─ to be with Him. I want to die. No, I didn’t say that for you to pity me nor to think about the possible options I could do. I did say that because that’s what I felt. I know, it’s hard. It’s like I’m always sinking and drowning. And it’s sad.

If you’re one of those people whom I shared my problems with, thank you. Thank you for lending me your ears, thank you for the short-term relief, for making me glad and for accompanying me. I appreciate your presence, your words, and your care, and your help.

I will try my best to fight and to always look at the bright side of everything.

I hope you’re doing well, do not be like me

and put this in mind,

yeah
Always look on the bright side of life.
Date Written: 25th of May

Send help

I arrived in the place

and quickly went down the plane,

Finally, I had a chance to visit my dream destination!

I was drained, so I checked in the nearest guesthouse

and napped for almost an hour.

I woke up and noticed changes,

everything was different,

including my room, my bed.

I was prisoned somewhere in New York,

unable to move freely,

to talk around with different people,

to observe how beautiful

and high the buildings are, day and night;

to walk along the city and meet new faces.

All I perceived was darkness,

nothing else but darkness.

In other rooms, I heard loud voices,

craving for care, and security

screaming for help, and love, and joyfulness.

Trying to find answers to escape,

seeking justice, and freedom.

And just like me, they didn’t know

why they were there.

Send help.

 

It’s over, I guess.

I slept 4 o’clock in the morning, and didn’t mind the fact that we will have our first meeting for our Afro-Asian theatrical play at 8am in our college’s lobby, not even afraid with the pisoper-minute policy, which served as penalty to those who will come late. I did not intentionally slept at that exact time, it’s just I couldn’t sleep; I was bothered, and worried, I mean there were lots of stuffs running inside my mind these past few days and I didn’t know why it had to come back frequently. I was distracted, unable to focus─ overthinking.

I woke up, 5 in the morning. Obviously, I just had an hour of sleep, and it was not enough; it feels like I’m carrying the world, so heavy. I took a bath and wore my clothes, watched myself in the mirror and smiled. While on my way to school, I bought a candy, and I unexpectedly read a message from its wrapper telling,  “Kaya mo yan!

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So I was encouraged to start the day right.

But in the afternoon everything dramatically changed, life’s truly unfair. No matter how I push myself to think positively, there will still sudden misfortunes that will arise. I didn’t talk to anyone. Perhaps, my school was one of the factors why I became like this. There were lots of requirements to comply and fees to pay. We also have loads of tasks to do.

I have been asking myself why, why I existed? Am I just here to receive all the dilemmas of the world? Of other people? Of my own family? I need answers, answers that would satisfy me.

There were times that I think it’s better to jump off a 15-story building to stay away from these shits, to feel comfort, to ease the pain and to feel contentment. Physically and emotionally, and mentally, I’m exhausted. This isn’t normal.

These thoughts were making me weak,

These thoughts were trying to eat me alive.

It’s over, I guess.

Date Written: May 1, 2017

Living; Dying

How heart-breaking it is,

when people walk away,

got exhausted of the things you’ve said

over, and over again.

They’ve constructed blockades,

and refrain dealing with you.

Perhaps, that would typical human-beings do,

when they get along with

pessimistsparanoids,

depressed.

“Friend” they called you once,

you made them laugh

at times they wanted it,

you removed all their loads.

You gave them words,

to uplift their wrecked spirits.

One Friday night,

you looked-for them, seeking help;

but they’re unreachable.

Invisible,

unable to see them, and feel them, either.

It hurts

so much,

like terrorists implanted bombs in your body,

after a minute, it eventually burst, so painful.

Similar emotion when you were a 5-year old kid,

enjoyed frolicking everywhere with peers,

jumping and running around,

you unexpectedly fell in a rough ground.

It feels like living,

and dying at the same time.

Complicated.

Confusing.

Sad.

Tragic Enigma

22nd of March

I’m at home.

Alone.

I don’t have the urge to do anything.

Though there are loads of burdens,

I need to conform.

It was passed 2 am,

when things started to get worse.

The same tragedy,

that happened on December 21st

Tossing and turning all night.

Staring at the opened-window for almost 2 hours.

Bothered.

And this may be so uproarious,

I’m pondering of shits I don’t know.

Waiting for a single clatter to amuse me,

but all I heard was silence,

nothing else but silence;

and eerie noise of crickets,

playing in the midst of the hours of darkness.

Sudden grief wrecked

and smashed my mind,

until

it was busted into pieces,

and swell,

like pebbles on the shore.

I went downstairs;

and decided to take a bath,

the world suddenly stopped spinning.

I watched the drops of water,

as it fall down in the bucket.

Trying to find answers,

to this mystery.

Ayúdame!

Someone kept on banging the door last night.

He appeared to be so livid.

I was so curious about whom that man was.

Without any reluctance,

I unlocked the door.

And I found out,

it was him again.

Carrying baskets of experiences from the past!

Perhaps, that’s what he likes to do.

Bringing back bullshits,

that I would no longer want to recall.

I unintentionally touched his arms,

it was full of blood.

I confronted him

but he’s not listening.

I tried to fight,

but he’s invulnerable.

I ran,

but I did not escape.

I saw his face, and it’s horrifying.

I was terrified.

He removed all my happy thoughts

and let all the negatives remain.

He gave me burdens,

profound sadness;

and deep sense of loss.

Ayúdame!

LET ME OUT!

I woke up,

being distracted by a loud noise.

He’s screaming with madness,

and anger.

Seeking help,

yearning for beautiful melodies,

smiles, affection

and tender care.

I once spoke to him,

I was frightened.

He said, he was bleeding and

he asked me to go with him.

To taste the beauty

of emptiness and being alone

in a chamber full of darkness.

I can’t see him,

but I know he’s there.

I can feel his voice,

mourning.

I looked at myself in the mirror,

took time to look in my eyes;

my tears turned red.

That’s when I knew,

I was with him.

Walking in a room full of

struggles,

catastrophes.

I tried to run,

nevertheless I was unable to escape.

I see nothing but walls,

and feel nothing

but torments and blemishes.

“No one can save me!”

I was exhausted.

All of a sudden,

someone screamed again.

I woke up and realized

that I was locked tightly,

in my own mind.