Unordinary Déjà vu

When our 1-week vacation started, I had nothing else to do in our house but eat, surf the internet, clean all the areas of the living room, wash the dishes, cook meals for myself because I am always alone from morning to night and of course, sleep. I used to love sleeping. At first, I thought it would give me an 8-hour medication to relieve from anxiety, to at least forget the things that bothered me, to escape reality and to have time to feel at ease─ but I was wrong.

Sleeping began to steal my whole self. Sleeping gave me time to remember the things I didn’t want to remember. Sleeping brought me back to places I hate most. Sleeping created new dimensions inside me where all my weaknesses, disappointments, and bad memories took place. Sleeping allowed me to dream nightmares and events which I thought were true. These all happened when I started to dream the same dreams every time I sleep. I could remember scenes in my dreams, the same order, the same people and the same story. Everything looked so real. In fact, one of my dreams already happened, it was during my nephew’s 5th birthday celebration. It wasn’t just an ordinary déjà vu. And this is not normal. I’m not normal. I’m scared.

Thursday─ August 3, 2017

The Struggles of a Broken Home

At a very young age, I have realized growing up with a broken home was quite a shitty experience─ I mean, who would have even want to be in this situation? The kind of family that I have is not the kind of family other people would dream about and the condition I have right now was not easy and will never be easy, and this changed the whole me, which was actually the worst thing ever happened.

Living inside a house back when my parents were together was rough and time had passed, I felt that nothing’s normal in the place I used to call home. The two happy memories I had with them, was first, on 2001 when Dad got his first salary on his new job, so we, as a family, went to a mall in Tagum City and they bought brand new clothes and toys for me; and second, was on 2003 when they surprised me on my 6th birthday, cooked all my favorite foods and invited several friends to join the celebration. Honestly, the house looked so special that moment. The rest of the memories I had with them, together, was a tragedy. They always fight every night or even past 4am, they usually fight because of money and of Dad’s other woman.

27th of August 2007, they separated and broke what they have promised to each when they had their wedding day. After that, everything began to change; including the arrangement of the stuffs inside the house and the way we live.  At first I thought, the term “broken family” was just nothing, I was ignorant for I haven’t heard that term in our school or even in our church. I had no clue, not until I have seen Dad cry for the first time and Mom, who was tremendously depressed and devastated, which made me realized that “broken family” was not something to be excited about.

Note: The reason why I decided to publish this blog was to share the 3 struggles you might come across if ever your Mom and Dad separate.

GOING TO CHURCH ALONE. We grew and built memories in the church because my grandparents were one of our branch’s pioneers. When the misfortune in our house happened, I started to go to church unaccompanied. It was tough because my sister and parents became inactive. Together with the other members, we tried to reach them out but we failed. Until now, I never stopped trying; I kept going to church every Sunday, attend activities, thinking that these would make them grasp that coming back in the church would make them feel better. Our church has established the belief that “Families Can Be Together Forever” and yes, I still believe this will ensue.

WHERE TO SPEND CHRISTMAS. Christmas was one of the most special days of the year; you receive gifts, apologizes, express appreciations to someone and feel happy together with your loved ones.  We used to celebrate Christmas together even if Dad always arrived late. After their separation, I was so upset as to where am I going to spend Christmas and to divide my time.  I usually go to Mom’s new house at 11pm- 12am and 12am on wards, I go to dad. It was so unusual, it’s miserable because I could not feel the same happiness I used to feel when celebrating this occasion.

CHOOSING WHO WILL GO WITH YOU DURING GRADUATIONS AND RECOGNITIONS. Sometimes, people say that when you’re a product of a broken home, you could no longer achieve your plans and follow the wrong path instead. During my grade school to secondary years, I didn’t lose hope to finish my studies and pursue my dreams. But what made those moments hard was when I need to choose who between mom and dad I would go with to accept the recognition or receive any awards. I didn’t want to choose. If only, I could walk and receive a diploma or award alone, I will.

These are some of the bad things you might encounter when you have broken home. You will feel how difficult and depressing it is to choose and to live. Yes─ I could no longer hear screams and yelling at 4am, I am free to go wherever I want without their permission, I am allowed to do the things I’d like to pursue but still, I am longing for their scolds, for their texts and calls asking me to go home because it’s late, and for their support as I chase my dreams.

If ever you’re reading this blog post, love your family. Right now, maybe you feel bad because your parents won’t allow you to hang out with your friends, maybe you’re angry on their way of discipline, maybe you felt unfair the way your parents treat you and maybe you think they love your younger and elder siblings more than you, but still love them, keep them. If you think their fights were just normal, no, you need to stop them. Remember, these tragedy started with little quarrels until their relationship became wrecked. For those who also have the same situation like me, let’s fulfill our dreams together and defy people’s wrong expectations.

In my case, what’s done is done. Nothing will change and I felt hopeless. Perhaps, things would have been worse if they remained together. All I need to do is to face everything, make myself believe like nothing’s wrong, cry to feel relieved and to stay resilient. If ever I could no longer handle situations, I’d be much glad for I already raised awareness on how hard things will be if your family’s broken.

It’s sad because

the thought of my parent’s separation

still fogs my thoughts everyday.

DECISION-MAKING AND SAVING MONEY

I will tell you the list of how the previous and this week became the worst week that I’ve ever had, probably this blog post talk about decision-making and saving money, which are both essential in the process of endurance (or survival). I’ve witnessed people who were really sad like it’s the end of everything, how they regret and how their lives were changed because of wrong decisions or choices. However, I have also seen persons who neglected the importance of saving money, and because of that; of course, they were unable to supply their own needs (and wants) which led them to get loans and finances or borrow money from their friends, parents, or anyone who they think could support them with their difficulties. They did not know, in the very first place, that to lend money from others would just add-up to whatever their burdens are─ they were not able pay their debts.

Isn’t it ironic? I already have these ideas that the two factors mentioned above were all noteworthy yet I didn’t even apply it in my own self? Okay, so here’s the list

1. Thursday, May 25, 2017. It was May 8 when I found out that my iPhone’s cord was not functioning well, so I decided to buy a new one; but because I did not have budget to purchase the safest cord for this sensitive phone, that actually costs 200 pesos, I temporarily bought a cheap cord from Juicy, a close friend. It worked. I used it for about 16 days. In May 25, my phone’s battery percentage drained fast (like 100% to 55% in just 2 minutes) and I was thinking that it has something to do with the cord. I became paranoid. I immediately went to Davao (because I was in our province that time, you know─ vacation!), bought the safe and new one, and went back to our province. That quick. I consumed 350 pesos in one day; but, buying a new cord did not solve the issue in this f─ phone.

2. Friday, May 26 2017. Every time I use the camera or cellular data, it (the phone) randomly shutdown which annoyed me very much. I researched in web as to how am I going to troubleshoot this phone and asked Apple Support several queries and they said restoring or resetting the phone will resolve the issue. I went to setting, and f─ I could not reset my phone because I enabled the restriction setting about 2 months ago and forgot the 4-digit code. I had several attempts yet I could not remember the code.

3. Monday, Morning, May 29, 2017. Before I went to Davao, I decided to buy a new pair of sandals, the same brand with the old one, Birkenstock. At exactly 10 minutes, I finally found the best pair and it cost 229 pesos. I was happy, I had finally expended my money into one of the most vital things I need. Heading to Davao, I confidently wore my sandals, heads up and proud.

At night, I realized, what I did was a wrong decision. Yes, I checked the sandals, whether it fits to my skin color or not; whether I will look rich whenever I wear it or not (lol). I did not check whether it is durable or not, whether it has a good quality or not and whether it is fake or not. The sole of the sandals started to get worse.

4. Monday, Evening, May 29, 2017. I and my friend, Phillip, went to Roxas Night Market to have dinner. After all, there are a lot more things that worth a celebration. But again, going there was a wrong choice. I did not notice that I was spending my money with foods, and drinks and ice cream which were not included in my budget plan. Yes, I know and understood that there are more possible ways to celebrate without spending much money with just foods.

5. Tuesday, May 30, 2017. The main reason why I went to Davao early was because one of our teachers (don’t know if she’s really a teacher or not) told us that she’ll let us view our grades and to watch movie with my friends. We waited her for almost 3 and a half hour, yet she did not show up ; a text message from that teacher popped-up into our class mayor’s phone telling that she’ll not make it today. I was disappointed. Really. DISAPPOINTED.

These experiences made me upset and tired at the same time. I have learned a lot and hopefully, these things would sink in the deepest part of my brain for the next time.

 

Bright Side of Life

So, I’m relishing my 1-week summer vacation─ no, just vacation. And I’m going to spend this entire week with myself, of course, dad’s working and mom as well. No daytrips and no volleyball games, because my church friends were all busy with their own lives.

Apparently, I’m alone. Yes. ALONE.

Yet, I love being alone. Perhaps few of you feels the same way I feel, but being alone for me, means freedom, freedom to do whatever I want; being alone, at some point means being fearless. Being alone means being you; it is when you can openly unmask your whole self, because you’re not afraid and it is when you can scream aloud, feel sad and cry, and feel happy; it depends on what you feel.

But being alone in our house is different. I mean, the atmosphere is different. I didn’t know what exactly bothers me, like something deep inside is going to burst.

As I watched the living room, I have seen imaginary individuals, and happenings. All of a sudden, I remembered memories, memories that changed and ruined our lives. I remembered choices, choices that made this life a disaster. I have seen people, people whom I assumed would always be there whenever I needed them.

That thursday night, I tried to talk to the Man up there, seeking comfort; because I could no longer help myself thinking about all these.  I want to embrace Him so tight, to follow His steps─ to be with Him. I want to die. No, I didn’t say that for you to pity me nor to think about the possible options I could do. I did say that because that’s what I felt. I know, it’s hard. It’s like I’m always sinking and drowning. And it’s sad.

If you’re one of those people whom I shared my problems with, thank you. Thank you for lending me your ears, thank you for the short-term relief, for making me glad and for accompanying me. I appreciate your presence, your words, and your care, and your help.

I will try my best to fight and to always look at the bright side of everything.

I hope you’re doing well, do not be like me

and put this in mind,

yeah
Always look on the bright side of life.
Date Written: 25th of May

Send help

I arrived in the place

and quickly went down the plane,

Finally, I had a chance to visit my dream destination!

I was drained, so I checked in the nearest guesthouse

and napped for almost an hour.

I woke up and noticed changes,

everything was different,

including my room, my bed.

I was prisoned somewhere in New York,

unable to move freely,

to talk around with different people,

to observe how beautiful

and high the buildings are, day and night;

to walk along the city and meet new faces.

All I perceived was darkness,

nothing else but darkness.

In other rooms, I heard loud voices,

craving for care, and security

screaming for help, and love, and joyfulness.

Trying to find answers to escape,

seeking justice, and freedom.

And just like me, they didn’t know

why they were there.

Send help.

 

It’s over, I guess.

I slept 4 o’clock in the morning, and didn’t mind the fact that we will have our first meeting for our Afro-Asian theatrical play at 8am in our college’s lobby, not even afraid with the pisoper-minute policy, which served as penalty to those who will come late. I did not intentionally slept at that exact time, it’s just I couldn’t sleep; I was bothered, and worried, I mean there were lots of stuffs running inside my mind these past few days and I didn’t know why it had to come back frequently. I was distracted, unable to focus─ overthinking.

I woke up, 5 in the morning. Obviously, I just had an hour of sleep, and it was not enough; it feels like I’m carrying the world, so heavy. I took a bath and wore my clothes, watched myself in the mirror and smiled. While on my way to school, I bought a candy, and I unexpectedly read a message from its wrapper telling,  “Kaya mo yan!

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So I was encouraged to start the day right.

But in the afternoon everything dramatically changed, life’s truly unfair. No matter how I push myself to think positively, there will still sudden misfortunes that will arise. I didn’t talk to anyone. Perhaps, my school was one of the factors why I became like this. There were lots of requirements to comply and fees to pay. We also have loads of tasks to do.

I have been asking myself why, why I existed? Am I just here to receive all the dilemmas of the world? Of other people? Of my own family? I need answers, answers that would satisfy me.

There were times that I think it’s better to jump off a 15-story building to stay away from these shits, to feel comfort, to ease the pain and to feel contentment. Physically and emotionally, and mentally, I’m exhausted. This isn’t normal.

These thoughts were making me weak,

These thoughts were trying to eat me alive.

It’s over, I guess.

Date Written: May 1, 2017