Unordinary Déjà vu

When our 1-week vacation started, I had nothing else to do in our house but eat, surf the internet, clean all the areas of the living room, wash the dishes, cook meals for myself because I am always alone from morning to night and of course, sleep. I used to love sleeping. At first, I thought it would give me an 8-hour medication to relieve from anxiety, to at least forget the things that bothered me, to escape reality and to have time to feel at ease─ but I was wrong.

Sleeping began to steal my whole self. Sleeping gave me time to remember the things I didn’t want to remember. Sleeping brought me back to places I hate most. Sleeping created new dimensions inside me where all my weaknesses, disappointments, and bad memories took place. Sleeping allowed me to dream nightmares and events which I thought were true. These all happened when I started to dream the same dreams every time I sleep. I could remember scenes in my dreams, the same order, the same people and the same story. Everything looked so real. In fact, one of my dreams already happened, it was during my nephew’s 5th birthday celebration. It wasn’t just an ordinary déjà vu. And this is not normal. I’m not normal. I’m scared.

Thursday─ August 3, 2017

Questions I Hate Most

I wrote this blog post while I was inside a non-air bus, heading to our province and yes─ I literally struggled writing this one. It’s just there’s something in the deepest part of myself that pushed me to write what’s on my mind before I forget those. The topic that suddenly popped up in my mind was about questions I hate most because we often feel annoyed when someone asks questions even if the answers were already obvious and embarrassed when insensitive people ask questions that might possibly expose all your secrets.

These type of questions could change your entire mood for the whole day or even worse, whole life; of course each question has its own reasons.

1. Why do you wear the same shirt/pants almost every week? For your information, I only have 2 pants from ukay-ukay and perhaps 10 shirts for school and for me, these were enough. I don’t buy branded clothes and I usually go thrift shopping.

Whether the things I wore were pleasing in your eyes or these bothered you, always remember, you need not to care, mind your own or buy me one.

2. Why you don’t play basketball? Are all men required to play this sport? I mean, we have different hobbies. I observed that almost all men and women liked this sport; some knew how to play and others prefer just to watch. I don’t play basketball simply because I don’t feel it and if I play this sport, for sure I’ll be the smallest among all the players which is actually more embarrassing.

They said, men who don’t play basketball are gays. I’d like them to know “I don’t need this sport to prove to everybody I’m a real man” Better question: What sport are you in to?

3. May I ask a question? You just did. I appreciate you for asking first permission about an important question you will ask but please ask me straight to your point.

4. Why do you always spend your time on twitter? First and foremost, I don’t always spend my time on twitter. Twitter is where I can freely express myself and this is an enough reason for you to stop asking this question.

5. Are you sad? Are you okay? I used to love these questions because through this, I could say you really cared. But time had passed; I started to get annoyed when these questions were asked frequently especially from the people whom I less like, it’s too much. If you think I’m not okay, do a move to make me feel okay, share whatever you wanted to share because whether I’m okay or not I will still listen anyway, throw a joke, make me laugh or if you can’t do any of these, you can just keep your mouth zipped, that would make me feel better.

6. Why do you study in a state University in Davao when you can find the course you wanted to pursue in your province? This question was seldom asked by some of my dad’s family members. I have four answers to this question; the first reason why I decided to study in Davao was to stay away from people who made my life worse. Second, was to train myself to become more independent, learn new lessons and to improve myself. Third, I grabbed CHED’s scholarships offer. Fourth, to fulfill my greatest dream which was to graduate in one of the best and well-known Universities in the Philipines because I believe that a school’s name would help me get a job easier.

It sucks me up hearing people ask questions like this when in fact, they were not the ones who paid all my fees in school.

7. You’re already 20 years old, why you don’t have girlfriend? My parents haven’t stepped college, and my sister decided not to continue pursuing her course because she was pregnant when she’s 22 years old. This means that the pressure was on me, I need and I have to finish all my studies to find a decent job, and to help my family get out from poverty. However, I wanted to become a returned missionary with honor in our Church as well for I believe it is one of our duties and responsibilities as a member.

The reason why I hate this question was that we, people, have different priorities and we already know that. Whenever I hear this, it’s either a person was trying to question my gender or making me feel that having a girlfriend is a top priority.

Questions we ask and will ask always matter. All we need to do is to think first before letting it out in our mouth. Change our words and make sure, we will help the person, and not to worsen his situation. We are not perfect; we often ask annoying questions intentionally and unintentionally but now, you already know my side, there’s no reason for you to ask again the mentioned questions above.

Date written: May 26, 2017, Friday Night


Bright Side of Life

So, I’m relishing my 1-week summer vacation─ no, just vacation. And I’m going to spend this entire week with myself, of course, dad’s working and mom as well. No daytrips and no volleyball games, because my church friends were all busy with their own lives.

Apparently, I’m alone. Yes. ALONE.

Yet, I love being alone. Perhaps few of you feels the same way I feel, but being alone for me, means freedom, freedom to do whatever I want; being alone, at some point means being fearless. Being alone means being you; it is when you can openly unmask your whole self, because you’re not afraid and it is when you can scream aloud, feel sad and cry, and feel happy; it depends on what you feel.

But being alone in our house is different. I mean, the atmosphere is different. I didn’t know what exactly bothers me, like something deep inside is going to burst.

As I watched the living room, I have seen imaginary individuals, and happenings. All of a sudden, I remembered memories, memories that changed and ruined our lives. I remembered choices, choices that made this life a disaster. I have seen people, people whom I assumed would always be there whenever I needed them.

That thursday night, I tried to talk to the Man up there, seeking comfort; because I could no longer help myself thinking about all these.  I want to embrace Him so tight, to follow His steps─ to be with Him. I want to die. No, I didn’t say that for you to pity me nor to think about the possible options I could do. I did say that because that’s what I felt. I know, it’s hard. It’s like I’m always sinking and drowning. And it’s sad.

If you’re one of those people whom I shared my problems with, thank you. Thank you for lending me your ears, thank you for the short-term relief, for making me glad and for accompanying me. I appreciate your presence, your words, and your care, and your help.

I will try my best to fight and to always look at the bright side of everything.

I hope you’re doing well, do not be like me

and put this in mind,

Always look on the bright side of life.
Date Written: 25th of May