I know, I’m weak

I want to die. Perhaps you have always heard these words from me before or read this awful statement on my previous blog posts. No, I’m not telling this to seek a little bit of your attention and care or to receive words of encouragements that you think might help my soul to at least feel alive. I am not doing this to make you wonder how stupid my life is. I am not saying these words to make you realize, that I am so unhappy and down, that I need you to make me feel loved. However, you need not to give such effort in trying to change the way I think or to make me feel I am important, that I still need to continue and live life amidst all struggles. Please, don’t.

When I wake-up in the morning and sleep at night, I always feel the same. I don’t want to get up in bed every morning because I feel so heavy like I’m carrying the whole world full of shits; and at night, I always feel scared, alone, sad and empty. No matter how hard I try to rescue myself, I still feel the same. I’m tired of people. I’M TIRED OF EVERYTHING.

I thought the reason of all these were my parent’s separation, their new families, the moments I saw Mom wasted, drinking beer and crying all her sadness in front of me, my sister’s unwise decisions in life, my nephew’s condition, my dad’s slip ups, the people I used to call “friends”, the wrong choices I have made, the hatred I have inside, or the doubts and hesitations I have in myself— but I was wrong. This is different. It’s worse than any other reasons.

I always wanted to die, wishing for a car to hit me or maybe to jump in 10-storey building; until I savor and feel how fast the wind would take me to a peaceful place they call paradise. I want to die because that is what I always feel.

I know, I’m weak.

Unordinary Déjà vu

When our 1-week vacation started, I had nothing else to do in our house but eat, surf the internet, clean all the areas of the living room, wash the dishes, cook meals for myself because I am always alone from morning to night and of course, sleep. I used to love sleeping. At first, I thought it would give me an 8-hour medication to relieve from anxiety, to at least forget the things that bothered me, to escape reality and to have time to feel at ease─ but I was wrong.

Sleeping began to steal my whole self. Sleeping gave me time to remember the things I didn’t want to remember. Sleeping brought me back to places I hate most. Sleeping created new dimensions inside me where all my weaknesses, disappointments, and bad memories took place. Sleeping allowed me to dream nightmares and events which I thought were true. These all happened when I started to dream the same dreams every time I sleep. I could remember scenes in my dreams, the same order, the same people and the same story. Everything looked so real. In fact, one of my dreams already happened, it was during my nephew’s 5th birthday celebration. It wasn’t just an ordinary déjà vu. And this is not normal. I’m not normal. I’m scared.

Thursday─ August 3, 2017

Au Revoir

I wandered in the shore,

waiting for the sun to set,

Avocets chirping, cold breeze blowing

giving courage, tranquility— life.

 

The ocean looked calm,

as calm as the clouds in the sky,

waves’ sweet melody, so harmonious, so smooth.

I can hear it, and sense it.

 

As I continued walking,

miles from where I came from,

footsteps in the sand, gently fading,

sun’s vanishing, no pause, no break.

 

Darkness gradually surrounded the place,

until I could no longer see light,

the light that used to gleam at times I needed.

I suddenly heard this sweet melody.

 

But that melody eventually faded.

Days had passed; I was still stuck in here,

constantly hoping for the bright light to appear,

Perhaps, it will never show up once more.

 

Things will never be the same again

I moved slowly to reach the seawater,

and decided to drown myself,

this time, I heard nothing else but silence.

 

Silence that I was longing for years.

Questions I Hate Most

I wrote this blog post while I was inside a non-air bus, heading to our province and yes─ I literally struggled writing this one. It’s just there’s something in the deepest part of myself that pushed me to write what’s on my mind before I forget those. The topic that suddenly popped up in my mind was about questions I hate most because we often feel annoyed when someone asks questions even if the answers were already obvious and  embarrassed when insensitive people ask questions that might possibly expose all your secrets.

These type of questions could change your entire mood for the whole day or even worse, whole life; of course each question has its own reasons.

1. Why do you wear the same shirt/pants almost every week? For your information, I only have 2 pants from ukay-ukay and perhaps 10 shirts for school and for me, these were enough. I don’t buy branded clothes and I usually go thrift shopping.

Whether the things I wore were pleasing in your eyes or these bothered you, always remember, you need not to care, mind your own or buy me one.

2. Why you don’t play basketball? Are all men required to play this sport? I mean, we have different hobbies. I observed that almost all men and women liked this sport; some knew how to play and others prefer just to watch. I don’t play basketball simply because I don’t feel it and if I play this sport, for sure I’ll be the smallest among all the players which is actually more embarrassing.

They said, men who don’t play basketball are gays. I’d like them to know “I don’t need this sport to prove to everybody I’m a real man” Better question: What sport are you in to?

3. May I ask a question? You just did. I appreciate you for asking first permission about an important question you will ask but please ask me straight to your point.

4. Why do you always spend your time on twitter? First and foremost, I don’t always spend my time on twitter. Twitter is where I can freely express myself and this is an enough reason for you to stop asking this question.

5. Are you sad? Are you okay? I used to love these questions because through this, I could say you really cared. But time had passed; I started to get annoyed when these questions were asked frequently especially from the people whom I less like, it’s too much. If you think I’m not okay, do a move to make me feel okay, share whatever you wanted to share because whether I’m okay or not I will still listen anyway, throw a joke, make me laugh or if you can’t do any of these, you can just keep your mouth zipped, that would make me feel better.

6. Why do you study in a state University in Davao when you can find the course you wanted to pursue in your province? 

This question was seldom asked by some of my dad’s family members. I have four answers to this question; the first reason why I decided to study in Davao was to stay away from people who made my life worse. Second, was to train myself to become more independent, learn new lessons and to improve myself. Third, I grabbed CHED scholarship’s offer. Fourth, to fulfill my greatest dream which was to graduate in one of the best and well-known Universities in Davao because I believe that a school’s name would help me get a job easier.

It sucks me up hearing people ask questions like this when in fact, they were not the ones who paid all my fees in school.

7. You’re already 20 years old, why you don’t have girlfriend? My parents haven’t stepped college, and my sister decided not to continue pursuing her course because she was pregnant when she’s 22 years old. This means that the pressure was on me, I need and I have to finish all my studies to find a decent job, and to help my family get out from poverty. However, I wanted to become a returned missionary with honor in our Church as well for I believe it is one of our duties and responsibilities as a member.

The reason why I hate this question was that we, people, have different priorities and we already know that. Whenever I hear this, it’s either a person was trying to question my gender or making me feel that having a girlfriend is a top priority.

Questions we ask and will ask always matter. All we need to do is to think first before letting it out in our mouth. Change our words and make sure, we will help the person, and not to worsen his situation. We are not perfect; we often ask annoying questions intentionally and unintentionally but now, you already know my side, there’s no reason for you to ask again the mentioned questions above.

Date written: May 26, 2017, Friday Night

 

Bright Side of Life

So, I’m relishing my 1-week summer vacation─ no, just vacation. And I’m going to spend this entire week with myself, of course, dad’s working and mom as well. No daytrips and no volleyball games, because my church friends were all busy with their own lives.

Apparently, I’m alone. Yes. ALONE.

Yet, I love being alone. Perhaps few of you feels the same way I feel, but being alone for me, means freedom, freedom to do whatever I want; being alone, at some point means being fearless. Being alone means being you; it is when you can openly unmask your whole self, because you’re not afraid and it is when you can scream aloud, feel sad and cry, and feel happy; it depends on what you feel.

But being alone in our house is different. I mean, the atmosphere is different. I didn’t know what exactly bothers me, like something deep inside is going to burst.

As I watched the living room, I have seen imaginary individuals, and happenings. All of a sudden, I remembered memories, memories that changed and ruined our lives. I remembered choices, choices that made this life a disaster. I have seen people, people whom I assumed would always be there whenever I needed them.

That thursday night, I tried to talk to the Man up there, seeking comfort; because I could no longer help myself thinking about all these.  I want to embrace Him so tight, to follow His steps─ to be with Him. I want to die. No, I didn’t say that for you to pity me nor to think about the possible options I could do. I did say that because that’s what I felt. I know, it’s hard. It’s like I’m always sinking and drowning. And it’s sad.

If you’re one of those people whom I shared my problems with, thank you. Thank you for lending me your ears, thank you for the short-term relief, for making me glad and for accompanying me. I appreciate your presence, your words, and your care, and your help.

I will try my best to fight and to always look at the bright side of everything.

I hope you’re doing well, do not be like me

and put this in mind,

yeah
Always look on the bright side of life.
Date Written: 25th of May

Send help

I arrived in the place

and quickly went down the plane,

Finally, I had a chance to visit my dream destination!

I was drained, so I checked in the nearest guesthouse

and napped for almost an hour.

I woke up and noticed changes,

everything was different,

including my room, my bed.

I was prisoned somewhere in New York,

unable to move freely,

to talk around with different people,

to observe how beautiful

and high the buildings are, day and night;

to walk along the city and meet new faces.

All I perceived was darkness,

nothing else but darkness.

In other rooms, I heard loud voices,

craving for care, and security

screaming for help, and love, and joyfulness.

Trying to find answers to escape,

seeking justice, and freedom.

And just like me, they didn’t know

why they were there.

Send help.

 

It’s over, I guess.

I slept 4 o’clock in the morning, and didn’t mind the fact that we will have our first meeting for our Afro-Asian theatrical play at 8am in our college’s lobby, not even afraid with the pisoper-minute policy, which served as penalty to those who will come late. I did not intentionally slept at that exact time, it’s just I couldn’t sleep; I was bothered, and worried, I mean there were lots of stuffs running inside my mind these past few days and I didn’t know why it had to come back frequently. I was distracted, unable to focus─ overthinking.

I woke up, 5 in the morning. Obviously, I just had an hour of sleep, and it was not enough; it feels like I’m carrying the world, so heavy. I took a bath and wore my clothes, watched myself in the mirror and smiled. While on my way to school, I bought a candy, and I unexpectedly read a message from its wrapper telling,  “Kaya mo yan!

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So I was encouraged to start the day right.

But in the afternoon everything dramatically changed, life’s truly unfair. No matter how I push myself to think positively, there will still sudden misfortunes that will arise. I didn’t talk to anyone. Perhaps, my school was one of the factors why I became like this. There were lots of requirements to comply and fees to pay. We also have loads of tasks to do.

I have been asking myself why, why I existed? Am I just here to receive all the dilemmas of the world? Of other people? Of my own family? I need answers, answers that would satisfy me.

There were times that I think it’s better to jump off a 15-story building to stay away from these shits, to feel comfort, to ease the pain and to feel contentment. Physically and emotionally, and mentally, I’m exhausted. This isn’t normal.

These thoughts were making me weak,

These thoughts were trying to eat me alive.

It’s over, I guess.

Date Written: May 1, 2017

Soon, he’ll fade away

“He’s not in our world”, you said.

 

I.

It was a sunny Wednesday afternoon,

when you last saw him displaying his perky smile;

throwing nonsense punch lines and witticism,

which gave you positivity and pleasure.

And since that time, everybody thought he’ll act the same on the succeeding days.

As day had passed, you’ve seen him, loosing liveliness.

He’s so quiet, not talking to anybody;

like no one surrounds him, no one’s with him.

He wasn’t even looking into other people’s eyes.

You heard no whispers;

even his breathe.

 

II.

It’s unusual, and weird at the same time.

You looked at him,

trying to find hints as to what really happened.

You thought, the answer was in his eyes,

nothing was there but emptiness.

It took you exactly ten steps to reach him.

You asked him why.

Still, you didn’t figure out.

He actually became the winner of his own game,

I mean, he made others believe he’s well, he’s okay, he’s fine;

although he’s not.

 

III.

He used to be happy every day,

pretending as if  nothing’s wrong,

nothing’s bothering his mind,

nothing’s falling apart and

nothing’s stealing the delight he used to feel.

No one cared.

Even his sister, who always pick wrong choices, wrong decisions and follows wrong direction;

even his mom, who’s so obsessed with her new-asshole-pretentious-dick-head-husband─ a nightmare!

Even his aunts, who blamed him for being so ambitious, a thief, liar;

even his dad, who started all the pain and;

even his desires,  the people whom he expected would help him, and even his own self.

Anyway, it’s not their fault.

Who would even dare to join with his complicated and messy life?

 

IV.

Behind those smiles,

are millions of fears,

sadness, and weaknesses,

destroying all his thoughts like bombs.

Behind his loud voice,

are dark clouds, seemed to burst lightning, heavy rains and  thunderstorms.

No rainbows, no bliss at all.

 

V.

And just like the clouds,

That man,

Soon, will fade away

Writer’s Letter to His Ownself

You’re not a wrong choice,

you’re tough.

You’re somebody’s 11:11 wish,

and someone’s favorite song.

You’re a human who commit errors,

and exceeds disaster.

You have friends,

and you’re a friend.

Be calm,

be optimistic,

and be happy

cause that’s the key.

Start achieving your visions,

instead of pondering those tragedies.

Shape a strong foundation of your

courage, and faith.

Do not let your wrong choices,

bring you into life’s deepest catastrophe,

and melancholy.

Everybody’s struggling,

and everybody feels pain;

you’re not alone.